Could Less Be More?

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you into something else is a great accomplishment.” Walt Whitman

I remember when my kids were ages 3 and 5. They enjoyed a play-based soccer camp once a week, and we had an option for signing up for another session. I asked them if they wanted to do the soccer camp again or an extra pajama morning. The exuberant unanimous vote for pajama morning erupted. Could less be more?

The messages come from everywhere. Do more, work harder, climb the ladder. Are you in shape, well-read, well dressed, and is your house tidy like in those magazines? In the age of over-the-top birthday parties, and parenting advice, are you a good Mom? What are your weaknesses? Your child’s weaknesses? And what should be purchased or scheduled to answer them? How do your kids measure up to the academic standards? Are they positioning themselves for their college resume of clubs, teams, service hours, and AP classes? It’s exhausting.

This pajama morning story is a good reminder for us as adults to value the empty spaces on the calendar. In the quiet of home, we can find calmness, connecting to ourselves. We can fill up our cups to be better versions of ourselves, and the quality of family time might improve. In the quiet, we can hear the whisper of our true selves, and I believe our children can too. Children have the time and space to listen to their voices and pursue their own choices in a world that can be noisy. In the downtime, play and creativity blossoms, richer than most structured activities. But it takes time, often growing out of boredom.

Overscheduled, overtired toddlers are cranky. The same is true for us all. We often can hide a little better as we grow up to behave well, but being out of touch with our feelings and natural rhythms takes its toll. There is wisdom to a balance between work and play, between on the go and rest at home. Discovering one’s balance is precarious by nature. We find the sweet spot and then lose it again, so love and grace are necessary for our dear ones and us.

I didn’t always get the balance right. I remember greeting my 1st grader at the bus stop, umbrella in hand, sharing the news that soccer was canceled. His whole demeanor changed to that of an excited kid on a snow day. He asked if we could have a special dinner and set the table with the cloth napkins and pottery. For my daughter, I remember receiving countless flyers for possible extracurricular activities. I offered her options to probe her interest. She asked me if she had to do them with emotion behind those simple words that made it memorable. I was also a girl scout leader longer than my daughter wanted to be a girl scout. These feel like noteworthy exchanges in a world with the momentum of “do more, learn more, be more.”

I frequently felt less would be more as the hours of homework grew with each passing year. With time we learned that public school would not work for our son. Less is certainly more for him in his new private school. As an 8th grader, my daughter wanted to attend an early college awareness talk at a local college. The AP pressures mounted. My advice to my daughter was to do less, and find a balance to life that felt good to her. Senior year she took a lighter course to maneuver with college applications, and in doing less, she read for pleasure more. She came to us with the realization that she didn’t know she liked learning so much — a big win for curiosity. We trusted in her choices as she decided her level of engagement in the weird world of high school. She clarified her sense of self. She was more ready for the adventure of college because she did less.

It is worth noting in this modern age that less screen time is more. We don’t hear the whispers of our souls with the handheld distractions. When are we hungry or ready for rest? Our bodies, sensations, emotions, and curiosities are worth tuning in to, and the richness of being fully present with our loved ones is the sweet stuff of living well. Children will take what they learn out into the world, so screen time is worthy of reflection. I believe it is the biggest parenting challenge of our times.

Can we trust in ourselves and the whisper of our true selves? Can we believe in our children, their development, and their choices? It’s so easy for cultural influences to feed doubts or fears that we might have about not being enough or that our children are not enough. What everyone else is doing might not be right for you and your children. Do more, buy more, sign up for more is often the message, but maybe the answer is doing less. I think balance looks different for different individuals and families, so one shoe does not fit all. There are plenty of extracurricular activities that are a delightful addition to the calendar. But in general happy, calm parents seem to accompany contented kids.

I don’t have all the answers, and I humbly speak from my experience as a stay-at-home mom. I recognize that there are many scenarios of individuals and families juggling a lot, sometimes in survival mode, doing the best they know how to do. There is love and grace from my home to yours. In a noisy, busy, fast-paced modern world, asking the question, “could less really be more?” seems like a good one for ourselves and our children.